Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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