and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
