if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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