Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
