haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
