peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
