I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
