He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
