i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
