I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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