can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
