im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
