I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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