FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
