i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
