I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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