I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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