i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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