yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
