I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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