In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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