My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
