I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
