I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
