Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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