its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
