I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
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