I think I died a long time ago.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
