I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
