There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
