Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
