Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
