I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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