Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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