cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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