Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
