Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
