We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
