My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
