i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
