haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
