I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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