If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
