I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
