The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
