yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
