oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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