oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
