my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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