We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She's not a foreskin expert like you
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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