I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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