You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
