There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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